King Schmear

A Family Pandemic Tragicomedy about a Midwest Bagel Tycoon and the Children Who Will Inherit the Dough

Place:

Offices of King Schmear Enterprises, Chicago

Time:

The present

Personae: 

Izzy Finkelbaum (“King Schmear”), Chairman

Schlomo (Mo) Finkelbaum, Chief Revenue Officer

Mary Finkelbaum, Chief Financial Officer

Carly Finkelbaum, Chief Innovation Officer

Seymour (Sy) Finkelbaum, esquire (Izzy’s brother), Partner in Finkelbaum Applebaum Rosenbaum and Tang

Kimberly Kipper, Managing Director, Smokefish Partners, LLP, Private Equity

. . .

Schmear: Sy, I love the smell of bagels in the morning.

Sy: You say that every time I see you.

Schmear: I know, but today I really love the smell. I’ve got someone from private equity coming in any minute now; they’re interested in buying into the business. It’s not a complete takeover. I’ll take some chips off the table, but the kids will still operate the company.

The kids have really embraced the company mission, Sy, focused on product quality and customer acquisition, improved the bottom line, and helped make King Schmear Enterprises the leading supplier of schmears worldwide. Because of them, the “schmear” is now a household word. Their mother, may she rest in peace, would be so proud of all three of them. Now it’s time to let them run things without me.

I love them all, and I hate to say that I have a favorite; but I must tell you: that Carly, she’s a real superstar.

[A knock on the door; enter Kimberly Kipper; a bulldog slips in behind her]

Come in, Kimberly. Sit down, sit down; have a bagel ‘n schmear.

Kim: Thanks very much, Izzy. [They bump elbows]

Schmear: [To dog] Spot, out. Out Spot. [The dog leaves]

Kimberly, let me introduce you to my brother, Seymour.

Sy: Nice to meet you, Kimberly. Call me Sy.

Kim: Nice to meet you, Sy, and please call me Kim. So what do you do for King Schmear?

Sy: I’m the firm’s attorney. Here’s my card: Finkelbaum Applebaum Rosenbaum and Tang.

Kim: Tang? Really? You actually have a Tang?

Sy: Diversity. What’re you goin’ do? Besides, we needed a “T” partner.

Kim: Hmm. So, in addition to the usual contracts and HR issues, anything else you’re working on that we at Smokefish Partners should know about?

Sy: Intellectual property, Kim. IP, that’s the ticket. “King Schmear” is a registered trademark, of course, but we also have a couple of patents pending; a design patent and utility patent. I think they’re highly monetizable.

Kim: For bagels?

Sy: We’re talking schmears here, Kim, not just bagels. Our engineers figured out how to bifurcate a bagel with the cream cheese intact, then bifurcate it again, and completely remove the hole. Gone. Then we fast freeze the pieces and off they go, only to return to the product’s original freshness in the microwave.

Kim: You’re kidding?  And you have a patent on this?

Sy: Pending. It’s only been at the patent office for about 15 years. But I’m thinking we’ll get it, very soon now. A real game changer.

[In walk Mo, Mary, and Carly]

Schmear: Come in, come in. Kim, these are my kids, Schlomo, Mary, and Carly; they run the place now.

Kim: Nice to meet everyone. [They all bow]

Schmear: Kim, I thought we’d start with the numbers. Mary’s our CFO. She has an AI degree from MIT and has been at the helm of the financial end of the business for the last 10 years. Mary, the floor’s yours.

Mary: Thanks, dad. Kim, the numbers are great. Better than great. We have been experiencing hockey-stick growth quarter after quarter. We have margins that are the envy of the industry, major annual recurring revenue, 25% growth year on year, non-cyclical cash flow, and an unlimited line of credit that we never have to tap into. We have no bad debt and a pristine balance sheet. And our business models are infinitely scalable.

Schmear: Kim, didn’t I tell you? Solid gold. The staff doesn’t call Mary the Queen of “Spread”-sheets for nothing. What do you think?

Kim: I think Mary can add real value to the entire bakery segment of the Smokefish Partners portfolio. Once we have King Schmear on board, Mary, I’d like you to take a deep dive into our partners’ P&Ls. I’m sure you can find hidden inefficiencies.

Mary: Fabulous. I would love to and I appreciate the confidence, Kim.  Have another bagel ‘n schmear.

Schmear: Schlomo is our CRO and has done an incredible job with our customers. Mo, take Kim through the revenue, historical as well as projections.

Mo: Pleasure. Kim, first-off, my dad is a little old-school; we don’t have customers, we have partners. We have partners on the supply and demand side. Our supply chain optimizes our supply side and our demand side “shakes hands” with our supply side. It’s a thing of beauty. We have created a supply-side hierarchy where value-added distributors pass high-value inventory to wholesalers who in turn ship to our retailers who also leverage our e-commerce network, satisfying customer needs at all levels, from B-to-B and B-to-C, all in perfect harmony. Actually, it’s not a network, more like a spider web of client outreach with King Schmear in the center. You can say that King Schmear is the hole in the middle of a revenue bagel. And our pipeline—never been better.

Kim: Catchy, and impressive, Schlomo. I think you could help the whole Smokefish Partners group with customer retention. I can’t wait to get you on board.

Mo: It’s all about the product, Kim. If I have that I can hit the ground running, with fury.

Schmear: And now, our pride and joy—Carly. Kim, I’m telling you, Carly’s been incredible. She has really been driving innovation at the company. Without her, we wouldn’t have the profits or the loyal customers, I mean partners, that we have. Her products have really been the lifeblood of the company. You could say she’s Mary’s and Mo’s secret schmear.

Carly, tell Kim what you’ve got on that roadmap of yours.

Carly: Nothing.

Sy: Oy-vey

Schmear: Nothing? What do you mean, nothing?

Carly: Nothing.

Schmear: Nothing can come of nothing. Come now, you must have something.

Innovation, Carly, remember; it’s all about innovation. Innovate or die; that’s the mantra.

Carly: Dad, they’re bagels—and cream cheese. What’s to innovate? Wheat, egg, rye, maybe some pumpernickel; salt, onion, garlic, sesame seeds. That’s it. Chive or plain cream cheese. What else do you want?

Schmear: I’m speechless. What about cucumber or chopped dried tomatoes in the cream cheese, a little salmon or sable, maybe? I’ve seen Asiago bagels, with bits of raisins, eating up market share, and you’re asking me what else I want?

Now, Carly, our fortunes are in your hands. Smokefish Partners want innovation, they want to own the future; they want differentiated products that will create barriers to entry in the schmear business. Give Kim something. Anything.

Carly: Bagels, and bagels, and bagels—topped with cream cheese, maybe with chives, to conform to nature in its purest form.

Schmear: This cannot be. You have an MBA from Kellogg, for Chris-sake.

Kim: Izzy, wait a sec; I think Carly’s right. And I think I can sell it to my team. It’s not about the bagels, or the cream cheese; apart they are nothing. But together they’re like ebony and ivory. It goes back to your roots, where you started, your DNA. It’s the schmear on the bagel. That’s what’s signifying something.

Sy: To schmear or not to schmear? That is the question—and the answer. There just may be another patent in that.